25 May 2009

an original short story for the public consumption

"Ethan Allen has adopted and sponsored this stretch of highway."


"Ethan Allen has adopted this highway in order to keep it clean and to make it look like they care about the environment and the worn-out bitch that is Mother Earth."

"Who is Ethan Allen?"

"Ethan Allen is a men's clothing supplier for guys who used to be chill bros, but then later in life realized their true calling and then henceforth went off to work in cubicles with no windows, and when they made this life-altering decision they also determined that they would need low-cotton blend dress shirts in a wide array of colors that would prove to be fashionable as well as efficient in today's work force."

"What would possess them to tend to a part of the highway like that?"

"No one could ever really know for certain, but I would hazard to guess that it has something to do with the fact that the Landmark Public Relations Firm sponsors the expanse of highway directly after the stretch maintained by Ethan Allen. What a great fucking idea. 'Hey, Ethan! We believe that your image is in need of a serious overhaul, and we here think that we have the absolute best solution to pull you out from the back of the pack and put you up in the front.' And then Ethan says, 'Oh really? Just what is this idea that you are pitching me?' And then the PR says, 'Well, its like this. We have access to some prime real estate here on this expressway on the east coast and if you could make some sort of donation to maintaining the cleanliness of that piece then it would be a real savvy move on your part. You may make the nice fancy dress clothes, but its important to send a message to the people that you are not afraid to roll up your sleeves and get a little dirt on your shirt.' And then Ethan takes off his probable glasses and says, "Gentlemen. You have yourselves a deal. I'll have my secretary fax everything over with my signature on it and then you boys can go to work.' Ethan would then walk out of the room and head towards the elevator. The rest of the suits from the PR company all turn and face the ad wizard who just pitched this idea. 'How's this going to make us any money? No one is buying as it is, and now you want to clean up their image. What about this company? We got whores to clothes and feed, and wives to pay off so that we can keep the whores.' Then the ad wizard says, 'Relax, fellas. I got this all figured out. Three miles down from where they sponsor the highway we will rent out the next spot and we'll sponsor it in our own name. This way it looks like we care about environmental upkeep as well. So when commuters see the Ethan sign, they will immediately see ours right afterwards and they'll put two and two together and realize that we are responsible for putting both signs up and then they will say what a wonderful and conscientious company that Landmark Public Relations is.' The suits all grunt and nod like someone just put on a Beach Boys tape, but then one of them shakes his head. 'Isn't that risky? I mean, isn't that asking an awful lot of the American people? You're asking them to reason and to conduct deductive reasoning. If anyone notices at all it'll just be some college grad asswipe with nothing better to do then stare out the window and notice minute details like who is sponsoring highways these days.' The ad wizard winces for a brief moment, and counters 'Well even that would be a win for us, Phillip. If that asswipe is clever enough to piece that together then he is probably able-minded enough to work at this fucking company. We would have ourselves a brand new employ to mold. Someone who is still eager and full of life. A glass half-full kind of guy. We'll bust his cherry! But college grad asswipes are 1 in 14 at least among the averages of typical commuters on that expressway. Most of them are probably sad shit blokes on their way to the mall, and those are the ones we want anyway. They see the sign. They see the name. They walk into the mall. They see the name again. They buy some shit, and we all get laid. Its a happy ending.' The suits all nod approvingly, and the meeting is over.


  1. Feeling trapped?

  2. i was on 95 the other day and i got "struck by the lightning bolt" to write this so i did, but yeah maybe a little bit.