05 June 2009

short story time. part 1 of who knows how many more, but part 2 tomorrow?
"Oh, let's just go for a hike in the woods. It'll be fun, and we'll be glad that we did it later on." That's the line of thinking that has brought me here. Shit. It sounded alright in theory, but that was before the rain factored itself in. And then the pond overflowed. And then when that happened, we took off in separate directions because the water was overflowing and I cant swim and I panicked because, shit, I dont want to get my cigarettes wet. And now I'm here. My cell phone died a while ago, but based on the utter darkness around me I would speculate that it is about 10:30 or maybe 11. With all these trees and this foliage its kind of hard to tell. I'm at a point of complete exhaustion, and I see a massive orange-y blur up ahead. From here its just this bulbous flame which has me optimistic because that means its probably a controlled fire and not a potential forest fire or anything like that. It also means, that, someone else is here. Once I'm around this bend of the forest, I will be in contact with another person for the first time, in well, only a couple of hours, but thats beside the point. It means I'm not alone here. Oh look, it's a hippie. Bandanna, long hair, no shirt, no shoes. Based on some confirmed stereotypes it would suggest that what we have here is a definite hippie. Its best to be quiet when approaching a hippie. It appears that there is also someone else because I can see a faint sketch farther on down the road. This new third party is coming more into focus now, and its massive. I say "it" because this thing is huge. On the plus side, I may have just found the next great professional wrester. We could call him "Backwoods", and we would market him as an extreme wrestler. Cage matches and street brawls, and Backwoods would always bring his trademark two by four and someone would always get their nose broken and the people would love that. It would be a guarantee that along with the price of admission, you will also most definitely witness an individual getting smacked directly in the face with a piece of lumber. We can't say how the match is going to go, but we can promise there will be some blood. The people would love it, but with that in mind I'm going to hold back until I can figure out who this new dude is, because he is creeping near. The hippie and "Backwoods" are now facing one another. "Backwoods" towers over the hippie. The hippie could have another hippie of equal size standing on his shoulders and he still wouldn't be eye to eye with "Backwoods". "Backwoods" may not be the name for him after all because now that I can see him in the light it seems that Chewbacca would be more appropriate. That, or SASQUATCH! The Sasquatch is bearing down on the hippie as they stand in front of the fire. He is hairy from head to toe except for at the nipple and torso region. No hairy nipples for Sasquatch. His arms are the size of motor cycles. He has such a hulking frame its hard to tell when they're at his side, but his arms are fucking huge. He has hands on the hippie, and his fur mitts completely encompass the hippie and it looks like the Sasquatch is lifting him off of the ground. Indeed, he is. The Sasquatch has just lifted the hippie off the ground and it looks like the Sasquatch has finally found the burrito he's been looking for. All is still for a second, and then Sasquatch bites down on the hippie like a piece of jerky and voraciously consumes the poor fellow. Sasquatch takes a step back as he attempts to digest. I should offer him a cigarette. Nothing better for after a meal than a cigarette. He has a Birkenstock stuck on one corner of his beard, but he doesn't seem to notice. He is swaying back and forth, and he's shaking his head back and forth like he is being forced to listen to Yanni. He's groaning, but its not like the kind of groan you make when you take a shit. This groan is more similar to the grown you make when you're waking up at dawn after a night of heavy drinking and skirt chasing. The grunts and groans are getting louder now, and I'm starting to think that something has gone very wrong. Now Sasquatch isn't moving. Totally catatonic. He moves his head slowly as if he has never seen the area before. I can't stand kneeling behind this bush any longer. It's very wet back here, and I'm starting to think that now is a good as a time as ever to make my move past him. I'll just get up, and in one swift move, take off down this hill and I'll blow right past the mythical creature. I come barreling down the hill, and I'm not looking at the fire or Sasquatch or any of it. I'm just going to run right into the darkness. The Sasquatch still isn't moving as I sprint by, but before I get too far I suddenly come to a halt. "Stop," he said. "Don't run away." I turn around, and Sasquatch is standing with his arms extended. I can't say that I'm surprised that Sasquatch spoke, and while it may not be the best of ideas to walk towards him that is what I am going to do. As I get closer to him, I notice something that I hadn't been able to before. His eyes have a glazed over look to them, and his pupils are severely dilated. His face screams bewilderment and pleasant amusement simultaneously. Sasquatch, one of nature's best kept secrets, is tripping on acid. The hippie must have been tripping so that when Sasquatch ate the hippie he must have digested whatever acid was in the hippie's system.  "I don't have the faintest idea of what is going. My mind is racing, and my body feels all warm and tingly. I actually feel great, but I don't know why I feel so great and that troubles me. I'm seeing more colors than I have ever before. Maybe there are magic fish in the pond. Maybe we can find the magic fish, and then eat the magic fish and the we could become magic!" The Sasquatch turns out to be an excellent speaker who articulates himself very well. 
"Relax. This has the potential to be the most exhilarating experience of your life. It could also be the most terrifying, but its up to you as to which way its going to go," I said.
"What will I do?," he asked.
"We'll hang out here in the woods. We'll sing songs. We'll talk. We'll get to know one another better," I said as calmly as possible in a lame attempt to convince myself that if I sounded calm that would make him calm and then we both would be calm. This going to require a really good plan like a plan so good that it would have been used in Heat.  

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