13 September 2009

This Is Me, and I am liveblogging the VMAs

9:00- Madonna. Ohhhh, ahhhh.
9:03- Madonna and Michael on a date? What? ZOMG.
9:04- Is it just me or does it sound like not only is Madonna reading a script, but she is also reading the script like it was an excerpt from Shakespeare.
9:07- Now, the much bally-hooed tribute celebration will commence.
9:09- If you're going to get a bunch of no-names to do the "Thriller" dance then you may as well get like 10,000 of them and make it look like a big ol' party.
9:09- Fact. "Smooth Criminal" has always been one of my all time favorite songs, and that was the case way before that other band covered it. 
9:12- I must be an asshole or something, but that MJ tribute was kind of so-so. I realize Janet is his sister and all, but it looks like she lost a step.
9:13- and now Katy Perry is going cover Queen with Joe Perry because....? wonderful VMA randomness.
9:17- Ok, I'm calling bullshit on this whole thing. Last year, Russell Brand hosts and he's all zany and inappropriate. Now, he's trying to do this whole heartfelt thing in the beginning. lame.
9:15- how many Jonai jokes are there going to be this year?
9:19- that outfit Lady Gaga is wearing is kind of weird. Like seriously, pretty fucking strange.
9:21- "In England, instead of having people dying in the streets, we have free health care." Nice one.
9:22- Oh, and Wale is performing intermittently before and after commercials tonight. Shibby.
9:23- Best female video has to be "Single Ladies". What else could it possibly be?
9:24- Apparently, Taylor Swift is better. I was going to have a drink for every prediction I got wrong, but I don't know if I have that much booze.
9:25- Kanye is awesome. This thing has just barely started, and he's already storming the stage. Fantastic.

9:26-He's right by the way. "Single Ladies" is one of the best pop records of the last ten years. Truly remarkable. It just blows any other radio song completely out of the water for the most part. This is actually pretty shocking, and a little disheartening. Hope this doesn't mean that we are in for a night of Asher Roth victories. 
9:33- Best "Rock" Video. Let us wait with bated breath to see who wins this coveted award.
9:35- Oh man, J.Lo does not look happy. If I had to guess what she was thinking, I think it would go something like this, "Shit, I have to come out to this stupid ass award show because I'm running out of money and I'm no longer relevant. I'll just sit here and think about how I used to have a little but now I have a lot and despite all this I'm still Jenny from the block."
9:37- I have a sneaking suspicion that the winners for these awards are determined by throwing shit at a wall, and seeing what sticks.
9:42- Remember that one year when the show was held in New York, and Eminem was really popular and the song "Real Slim Shady" was really big and he performed it and he did that thing where he led all the Shady lookalikes into Radio City Music Hall. I remember that being somewhat of a big deal, but I get the feeling that this whole Taylor Swift in the subway thing is coming across as way more meaningful to countless hoards of tweens everywhere. 
9:49- There have been several questions running through my mind during this Lady Gaga performance, but this one stands out the most. What is the deal with that paraplegic thing? And the fake blood on the stomach? And the whole hanging from the ceiling thing?
9:53- The worst part about that bizarre performance, is that tomorrow Perez is going to go on and on about how amazing and brilliant that was. My memory may be shaky, but I'm almost positive there was a Britney video that hit on all the same plot points as that performance just did. 
9:59- Maybe it's just getting late, but these vignettes with Eminem and Tracy Morgan are hella funny.
10:00- Amazingly, the outfit Gaga is wearing now is even stranger than the last one.
10:01- This Jay-Z performance is pretty much going to have to save the whole night. Kanye knocked the VMA train right off its rails, and now nothing has happened to rival it. 
10:04- Is it possible that there is a conspiracy theory in place to prevent Beyonce from winning? 
10:07- Apparently, they kicked Kanye out for his passionate outburst. 
10:10- There's like an hour and half of this shit left. Don't know if I'll make it that long.
10:20- Oh man, Beyonce is oh so fierce.
10:22- Performance of the night, so far.
10:31- I'm not gonna lie, this Wale house band thing isn't working out as well as I had hoped. It's like no is paying attention to it.
10:33- I'm not even mad that T.I. beat out Jay and Kanye for Best Male video. Dude deserves it. 
10:35- Is it really a big deal that Muse is making their American television debut.
10:36- Oh wait, I have heard Muse before. They're that band that tries really really hard to rip off Radiohead. 
10:37- When is this thing going to be over? I can feel my interest waning with every commercial break, and there have been a lot of them so this is really getting tricky. 
10:40- Thank the lord for Tracy Morgan. My interest has been piqued yet again.
10:42- Over on Twitter, everyone is ripping Kanye a new asshole for what he did. That was over an hour ago. People need to stop living in the past and get over shit.
10:48- It would be pretty great if Kanye wins Best Rap Video right about now.
10:49- Eminem? Really? I thought we as the internet decided a long time ago that "We Made You" was a clown shoes track.
10:52- Wale and Cudi at the same time. Nice.
10:59- You can tell that Eminem is really really unsure as to whether he should actually touch Lady Gaga or not.
11:04- Pink, the trapeze artist, is all well and good, but isn't it about time for some Jay.
11:12- Video of the Year. Is this one supposed to be a big deal?
11:14- Order has been restored to the universe.
11:15- Oh man, Beyonce is oh so classy.
11:22- Finally
11:23- That shot from behind Jay's back with the whole crowd in front of him was pretty dope.
11:25- Whoever just caught that cap is the luckiest bro in the world.
11:28- So, the VMAs on the whole were kind of ho-hum. But between Kanye's antics at the beginning, and Jay's awesome performance at the end it wasn't all bad.

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